Saturday, June 20, 2009

I'm Not Saying Mum Had Favourites, But...

we always knew when my oldest brother was coming home for a visit, because suddenly there would be real butter and Nescafé coffee in the house!

And then she'd bake oven scones... which, if any of the rest of us tried to nick when they were hot and fresh out of the oven, we'd get our fingers walloped and told to "Get the hell out of those!"... but The Golden Child could waltz in, go off with 6, and Mum would half-jokingly say "Leave those alone", before going back to her mixing.

Don't get me wrong... I love my brother... but it was funny!

Thursday, September 18, 2008

The Incredible Hulk

My brothers were incredibly evil to their peedie sister when I was a kid (let's face it, sometimes they still are)...

When I was small, we used to sit watch "The Incredible Hulk", and I was okay with it... until he started to go green and transform! At that point I had to dash out of the room and hide out at the bottom of the stairs, asking "Is he changed back yet?"

At this point my brothers would go, "Yes, you can come back in."

And back in I would come, to see him still larger than life, and scary green (I think we had a coloured tv by then) - causing me to squeal and run out again!

G & D will probably deny this ever happened, but I'm sure I remember it...

Saturday, August 02, 2008

A Daddy's Girl

Me aged about 6 months with my dad.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

My Introduction To Snuff...

No, not the movies! This stuff: Wikipedia: Snuff

When I was wee, I would see my Dad take out this little tin of stuff that he kept in his pocket, take the lid off and take a pinch of whatever was inside... which he'd then put to his nostril and sniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiff, before putting the lid back on, and the tin returned to his pooch.

Well, this fascinated a wee selkie, so one day roughly the following conversation was carried out:

Ally: Daddy?
Dad: Yes?
A: What's that stuff?
D: It's snuff
A: Can I have a smell?
D: Okay, but take ca...

He never got to finish his sentence, because I had stuck my nose above the tin he was holding out, and taken a HUGE sniff in!

Now, snuff in those days didn't come in all those faffy fruit flavours that Wikipedia lists - It was good old-fashioned menthol & camphor!

Dad says the sun was shining just right, and he saw this stream of brown particles travelling between the tin and my nose... and seconds later I was coughing, sneezing, and my eyes were watering like mad!

I NEVER asked to try his snuff again!

Friday, July 25, 2008

Aw, Nuts!

I'd wiped this one from my memory, but was reminded about it last night.

Myself and probably all of my brothers and sisters have suffered this one when we were young...

We'd come in, and my late Mum would offer us a wee handful of nuts - usually hazelnuts - which we would happily take and munch away on... hardly giving a passing thought as to why the nuts were warm...

But then, as we each got a bit older, we would discover the truth.

See, Mum had a lump on her gum when she was comparatively young, and she had to have all her teeth out - and this lump meant that she couldn't wear false teeth (can you see where I'm going with this?)...

So, she would have a bar of chocolate with nuts in... (yep... you're getting there... I can tell) suck all the chocolate off... and spit out the nuts as a "treat" for her children! (Ewwww!)

Why she didn't just buy chocolate without nuts, I'll never know!

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Snow Joke...

I missed this one, but Mum often used to laugh about it...

Apparently, one day in the dead of winter, all ice & snow, Mum & Dad had walked me to school (not sure what age I would have been... probably about 6 or so), and were returning home again.

Mum was walking a few steps ahead of Dad, who kept saying to her "Watch your feet, D... It's really slippy, and you might fall".

She says the next thing she was aware of, was a pencil went scudding past her feet where she was walking - so she turned round... to see my Dad sat on his erse on the road where he'd slid and fallen!

She said she couldn't help him up for laughing... but I don't think he was so amused!

Monday, December 31, 2007

O'Level English Composition

Character Study

The pub door opened and everyone turned to look at the figure that walked in. He staggered into the pub and draped himself over the bar. His beady, round eyes took in his surroundings and after a moment or two he raised his sweaty palm to summon the barmaid. She walked warily over to the stranger. He was smiling broadly, dribbles running down his stubbly chin.

“Pint o’ bitter an’ a nip o’ whisky please, darlin’”

She wished deep down that she had the bravery to order him out but, resigning herself to the fact that she was a coward, she set his drinks on the bar.

“That will be £2, please.”

“There you go, darlin’, keep the change.” He handed her a tenner and she returned with his eight pounds change.

“Look, darlin’… I telt you, keep the change,” he shouted loud enough for the whole bar to hear him. They all looked round at him and he shifted his bulk to return their stares. “Nosy twerps… can’t keep their noses oot o’ folks’ business…” he muttered.

The barmaid kept pressing his money into his hand and he suddenly flew into a rage, breaking glasses and sobbing…

“Nobody listens to Tom… nobody cares about Tom…” His round, pink face grew red and he seemed to settle, but a minute after he started talking to himself again…

“Old Tom’s wife died last year… Old Tom’s 63 and lonely, nobody cares about old Tom…”

By now the barmaid was worried, but the manager was out. He wouldn’t be back till tomorrow, she was on her own.

“Old Tom’s got no job, old Tom was sacked twenty years ago. Match factory didn’t want Tom… Didn’t want old Tom…”

He sat on the stool, his vast bulk balanced on the neat seat of the stool as though he was afraid he might fall off, but was determined to sit there and not to move.

“Would you like me to call a taxi to get you home, sir?”

The barmaid was trying to get rid of him – He knew it and she knew it, but she didn’t care. He was just another sad drunk… She had seen many of them in her time.

“You wants to get rid of old Tom. Old Tom came from Edinburgh to find his son because he ain’t got no home to go to. Old Tom’s lonely… Let me talk to you.”

The barmaid couldn’t help but feel sorry for him, so she poured him a pint and smiled.

“On the house, Tom”

Tom looked at the pint, then the barmaid.

“I ain’t no charity case,” he said, then set the money on the bar, “… ain’t no charity…”

He downed the pint and the barmaid smiled as he clung to the remnants of his shattered pride. Then he picked himself up off the stool, shook the barmaid’s hand and walked out.

The barmaid was relieved to see the old atmosphere return to the pub now that the focal point of the evening had walked out the door.

Another Story

Another of my compositions from O'Level English - This time we had to pick a proverb or saying and write a story to illustrate it. I chose:

Honesty Is The Best Policy

“Sitting here in my room at the hospital, I realise that honesty really is the best policy. Let me tell you my story…

It all started 5 years ago, when I started taking drugs – just a little to start off with, then it got more and more. Everyone noticed there was something wrong, but I got them to believe I was okay, eventually. If only I hadn’t, I could have got help – then I wouldn’t be feeling like this. Anyway, I started “borrowing” money from my mum or dad (I didn’t have a job, no one wanted me to work for them). Mum and dad noticed that money was disappearing, but no one suspected me. Soon my family was beginning to feel the strain. My mum and dad argued and finally divorced, and dad got custody of my sister. He started to knock her about and shortly after that she jumped out of their 14th floor window… She was dead when she hit the ground below, but I didn’t care.

I didn’t even go to the funeral because I was lying stoned in an alley at the time.

About a year ago I suffered a nervous breakdown. So now I’m in a mental ward suffering severe trauma and withdrawal symptoms.

So don’t anyone tell me that honesty isn’t the best policy.”